NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - The successful initial public offering of Kraft Foods brought former 100% owner Philip Morris one step closer to pure, uncut evil today. The $8.7 billion deal was the nation's second-largest IPO ever, and the largest ever in terms of total, unadulterated corporate malevolence.
While Kraft's nefarious product line of processed, chemical-laden sludge and high-fat alternatives to healthy eating were positive contributors to Philip Morris' evil-flow, the subsidiary was bringing down the company's overall Return On Evil Equity. Analysts believe that the undead-like slothfulness derived from such hellspawn as Oscar Meyer hotdogs, Velveeta cheesefood and Oreo cookies is mild compared to the larger company's overall outlook for screaming demonic abomination and utter blasphemy.
Industry rumors suggest that today's successful spinoff will spur Philip Morris to also spin off its Miller Beer subsidiary, as recent designated-driver campaigns and industry efforts to curb underage drinking may be dragging down the true evil potential of this wicked, unholy family of companies.
Philip Morris Companies' remaining subsidiaries make pentagram amulets, brimstone, blood-based energy drinks, tobacco products, anthrax weaponry, lies, daytime television programming, gargoyles, war and pestilence.
In related news, the CEO of Phillip Morris today announced the company's plan to enter the general safety market. "Cigarette smoking is like many activities that people voluntarily engage in every day, activities that can maim or kill you," stated Phillip Morris CEO Joseph E Cullman. "For example, every day, somewhere in America, somebody gets impaled on a splintery stake. We at Phillip Morris feel we are uniquely well positioned to reduce the risks associated with impalement to an acceptable level, say by issuing warnings like 'Hey, you! Careful with that splintery stake, there!' or by pasting labels on America's stockpile of splintery stakes that declare: "Warning: the Surgeon General has determined that a big old splintery stake rammed through your chest cavity is likely to hurt like hell and could result in an expensive trip to the hospital.' That sort of thing."
Cullman was careful to point out that Phillip Morris will continue to support a person's right to choose to smoke, eat crappy Kraft food, get impaled, or risk any other activity that billions in misleading advertising dollars has made attractive to them. "If that's what they really want to do, who are we to interfere with their God-given freedom to march lemming-like into the sea? Figuratively speaking, of course."
- Reported by Travis Ruetenik and Ishmael Alighieri
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White info@dailyprobe.com ]
